Weakness

I recently finished up my "Soul Detox" which opened my eyes to some amazing, inspiring, and empowering scriptures. It left me with clarity about situations that I really struggled with and it affirmed some of the hard decisions I've had to make.

It's so amazing how God perfectly fits together these very intricate puzzle pieces to create one super incredible portrait, also known as our life. Lately I feel like I've grown by leaps and bounds in some respects, but in others not at all. I'm still trying to figure that out because my one major weakness that I want to give the boot keeps lingering around.

At church Pastor Tim just finished "The Man Series" which was all about men and how God created them and why sometimes they fall short. It was an absolutely incredible series and I learned so much about my man through these lessons.

Speaking of my man, he joined a men's group and he came home the first night and said, "I'm getting baptized!" wow! How awesomely amazing to see things shaking and moving in him. Not only did he say he wanted to get baptized, he doesn't want to waste any time and do it ASAP!

"And all who have been united with Christ in baptism have put on Christ, like putting on new clothes." (Galatians 3:27 NLT)

What an amazing and beautiful commitment. I am excited to see him get baptized. I'm even debating if I want to get baptized with him. I was baptized when I was 12, but it has a whole new meaning to me, now. I'll be praying about it and seeking God for guidance to make my decision.

We live in such a sinful, broken world that to see men and women committing their lives to Christ can be an overwhelming experience for me. I will probably ball my eyes out when he gets baptized. I'll need some prayers that I don't get too emotional!

As for my weakness I'm trying to boot, I feel lead to openly admit and confess this shortfall I've been struggling with. I can be an amazing friend and I have wonderful patience with teenagers. I will keep people's deep dark secrets safe. I can give with all my heart expecting nothing in return. I can teach God's little people and move them In the right direction. I can work really hard and I can volunteer my time. But, one thing I'm really lacking in is something that is becoming a major road block in taking the next step on my walk with God. . . Anger towards my husband. How can I do all these other things and deeply care about other people, but act out in anger to the one person who will always be there for me NO MATTER WHAT?

My husband hurt his ankle back in 2005 and has suffered from chronic pain and inflammation ever since. He's had 4 or 5 surgeries to try to ease the pain and fix the problem. Unfortunately none of them have been successful which leaves me with a young, 26 year old husband who can't walk about 3 days out of the week. . . Every week. Wow. This means I'm largely left to perform the basic tasks we normally share. It's left me with so much resentment and anger that one little wrong muttered word and I snap. I totally don't take his feelings into consideration or evaluate how this negatively affects his life or his role as the provider of the family. In those angry passionate moments I become the only person who matters. I put myself ahead of his feelings and I sure the heck don't seek God for the right words to say or for ways to manage my anger towards him.

I simply speak without thinking and I don't care about anything but the inconvenience he's causing me.

Whew. So there it is. All on the table. It feels good to release that and place that weakness at God's feet. I know he will grow me in this area and I accept his guidance with open arms. If you're still reading this, please cover my husband and I in prayer. He desperately needs healing and comfort and I need to seek God and slow down with my anger and judgement.

God is amazing and I realize this on a daily basis. The past 2 weeks I've taught the kinder class, the lessons were on anger! Whew! I feel like the last person who should be teaching about anger since this is my biggest struggle!! But I know God is already assisting me with overcoming this issue.

Here are some scriptures I will be praying on for the next couple of days:

Starting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate,
so stop before a dispute breaks out. (Proverbs 17:14 NLT)

Sensible people control their temper;
they earn respect by overlooking wrongs. (Proverbs 19:11 NLT)

Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor;
only fools insist on quarreling. (Proverbs 20:3 NLT)

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Dear God,

Thank you for your unending love and grace. Help me to show your grace towards my husband. Let my words be kind and encouraging. Please lead me during my anger and help me to find the right words to speak.

In Your Son's name I pray, Amen.

Choices

Lately I've been doing a lot of soul searching. A lot of thinking. A lot of feeling. It seems like there are days nothing on this planet makes sense then there's days when it all makes perfect sense.

I've been "detoxing" my soul and trying to understand situations that leave me upset and confused. I am enjoying the detox and already, it's surely helping me realize it's not about understanding why people do the things they do, rather than accepting what they do.

We are all uniquely made and precious children of God. We have the best Father you could ever want. We all have hopes and dreams and values which in some cases are the only factors that keep us going.

With that sad, something has been weighing on my heart. . .
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I found this as a "draft". . . Wish I would have finished it. Not sure what I was going to say. . . I think it was about being a good parent?!? Im not sure. But, I wanted to "publish" it nonetheless.